The Me-Who-Was: The Possible End of The Suitcase Scholar
This is not a story about travel. This is a story about not-travel.
Everyone said that going through what I went through–the whole cancer slash major surgery thing–would fundamentally change who I am. When people said this, I would get really mad. I’m not going to change, I insisted. That was my singular goal. Return to the me-who-was.
***
Early last month, I wrote about my next trip, a week and a half in Paris. Yesterday I packed my backpack, checked in to my flight, and added my virtual boarding pass to Apple Wallet. This morning I got up, called the airline, cancelled my flight, emailed the hotel, cancelled my room, and apologized profusely to my now-going-solo travel companion (I am so sorry, friend.)
Why did I do this? To quote myself circa last night at 9:32pm:
Because I don’t want to. Because adventure is fun, except I do adventure for a living and I’m so, so tired. Because I don’t feel well. Because when I eat, I get sick. Zero exceptions. Because I need life to be easy for a while. Because I’m looking at this as work, not leisure. And because I feel you’d forgive me for not going more easily than you’d forgive me for being what I will be on this trip–which is sad, stressed, starving, and difficult.
That was the message I sent to my travel companion when she asked me why, at the actual eleventh hour, I was thinking about not going. I wrote it with my thumbs, on my phone, after maybe three glasses of wine. It is the most true thing I’ve ever written.
***
The me-who-was is dead. I laid in bed last night, quite awake, thinking about this. To be sure, I did not want to go to Paris today. What I wanted (and what I’m going to do) was to spend a week and a half at home, drinking ice water on the back porch (hydration is a luxury I can’t afford when on the road) reading books made out of actual paper pages, and dusting underneath my unused television (seriously, it’s a dust bunny horror show under there.) I’d also really like to cut all of the dead leaves off of my houseplants, have lunch with my mom a bunch of times, and teach my new puppy how to walk on a leash (and maybe also get him to stop crapping on the kitchen floor.)
But here’s the thing. The me-who-was would have wanted to do those things, too. But the me-who-was wouldn’t have been able to admit it. The me-who-was would have gone to Paris and been miserable and sick and starving and stressed. And she would have taken lots of pretty photos and post-processed them into a shining Paris dream come true and plastered them all over her blog and her personal Facebook page as if to say look at me, I’m doing ok.
I don’t have it in me to do any of that anymore. I don’t care if people think I’m ok. And that? That’s the most ok a person can be.
So is this really the end of The Suitcase Scholar? I don’t know. I do know that for now, I’m done traveling for the sake of traveling. Of course, I will still be traveling, as it is a required part of my job and I love my job and honestly, most of the time I love traveling for work.
But I don’t feel particularly compelled to share what I’m doing with the world. In fact, I’m borderline annoyed at myself for feeling the need to even write this post. It all feels so overly dramatic. I didn’t go to Paris, and now I have to make some big pronouncement about it? Why? Why can’t I just make a cup of tea, pick up a book, and sit on the porch and smile like a normal person?
Do you know what? I can do that.
I’m going to go do that. Right. Now.
I’m so happy that you were honest to yourself about not wanting to go, and cancelled your trip. This decision Is probably better for your health. Enjoy sitting on your porch, reading your book and having lunch with your great mom.
Yes! Good for you. And you are right…no one needs to know or understand what the hell we choose to do each day or with big decisions in our life. As bloggers, we feel compelled, but we are our own boss when it comes to blogging. And that’s good and bad. The bad is we feel this pressure to post about all this stuff. The good is we can also say “screw it!” and not share at all (or what you did…share to say you might not be sharing!) 😉
I’ve been saying I will be ‘traveling less’ for years now and have finally achieved it! I have LOVED being HOME all summer and doing summery, Chicago things. I honestly have loved not having one plane ticket booked or reservation anywhere! The ONLY time I feel weird or bad about it is when people ask me where I’m going next and seem confused with my ‘nowhere’ answer. People (humans) have this need to define us all and pigeonhole us. Am I a traveler? A nomad? A blogger? A freelancer? Live in NJ? Live in Chicago? Ugh!
I’ve been back in Chicago 5+ years now (as in have an apt here) and get asked all the time about this. Just yesterday people asked me how my travels were going and had no idea I lived here! I guess b/c it was part time, and “unconventional” it was hard for many to put their finger on. Then again, I can’t expect everyone to know or understand my everyday life!
Anyway…ENJOY the cold drinks on the porch and nice breezes in your beautiful backyard! 🙂
Yes! All of this! Especially the pigeonholing part. And more, I feel like we (or at least I) encourage said pigeonholing (that looks strange as a gerund.) I’ve often grabbed on to an identity–I was a teacher, and then a traveler, a blogger, a consultant etc. I allowed what I do to become what I am. When really, I’m just a person. A person who sure, likes to travel. But travel doesn’t define me. Neither does work, or family, or my dog or my porch. They are all simply things I love. And I should get to choose what I do–and what I don’t do–based upon love. So that’s what I will be doing.
It sounds like you’ve figured out what will make you truly happy and that’s the most important thing. I’m glad you were able to do what you needed to do. And if you ever do feel like you want to travel and blog about it I’m always happy to read, but if you just want to sit on the porch and read that’s okay too. 🙂
Perhaps if I need a blogging fix, I can guest post on Disney in your Day! My next trip (that’s actually happening) IS a Disney trip. Six more weeks!
Enjoy DLP for me, please. Happy running!
Glad you are doing what you feel is right. I know you weren’t looking forward to this, and that’s a recipe for a bad trip. So I’m sure you made the right decision. I’m glad that you enjoy your job and if that’s the type of traveling that makes you happy, then that’s perfect.
Now you can come up to Wilkes-Barre next Thursday and have a beer with me 🙂
I CAN TOTALLY DO THAT! LET’S DO THAT! YAY!
Ok. Sorry for caps. 😉
I personally like transparency. Great post. And I think Indy will like having you around, too.
“Death -or the prospect of death- has a way of clearing away everything that is not real…”
You most definitely had an “AAHA” moment. Hopefully you will continue to learn about who you want to be and make it happen. Take care of yourself and do your best to be happy!
Read a quote on Pinterest recently….” People were made to love. Things were made to use. The problem is that many people love things and use other people. ” Sounds to me like you’ve begun to realize that and to LOVE YOURSELF too- rather than abUSEing yourself to please some vague ‘ideal’ that you, or others, or what you thought others believed in. LOVE yourself- fully,.. and hubby and mom and the new puppy. The growth you have experienced over the years you have been blogging is phenomenal. But if a plant just grows and grows and never rests, it will soon use up all its reserves and die (and often it has had a LOT of ‘fertilizer’ thrown on it in order to grow so much). It is time for you to rest- physically, emotionally, every ‘ly’ you can think of. DO IT and DO NOT feel you have to justify it, or rationalize it, or anything else. And when you want to, take a look from the heights you have reached. I think you’ll be very surprised and pleased with the view ( I am pleased, and impressed looking at what you’ve grown into). THEN and only then you MIGHT BEGIN to think about where or what you do or do not want to do. There is no timeline, no deadline. But from a very selfish motivation, I hope you continue some kind of writing/blogging. Because I really love getting to share a bit of your life.
(Sorry for any spelling/typing errors…. I finally had a biopsy on my left index finger….. didn’t realize how much typing you do with that finger… waiting to see if it is melanoma….).
Great post, and what you are doing instead of Paris sounds wonderful!